For every mother who holds on to her child, there is a husband who disappears
Mother always want to invade my life, with her invincible fatigue, how to do?My mother was so eager to get my attention, no matter what I was doing, even when I was in class.If I’m not paying attention to her, she’ll talk to herself all the time, or play the video too loud, or come in and attack me and ask why I’m ignoring her.She said I had always followed her when I was a child, and now she would follow me when she was old.Obviously when I followed her as a child, all I got was her impatience, and now she is not old at all, and her career is flourishing.But if I talk to her, she’s either verbally attacking the “people, things, and things” in the topic, or she’s talking to herself, pointing fingers at areas she doesn’t understand.My mother wanted to know everything about me and even my friends, including whether my friends had an X life. Sometimes she would praise my friends, sometimes she would criticize and deny them.I was so offended that I didn’t want to tell her, but she kept asking.And she is sometimes hostile to my friends, thinking that I value them more than she, and even that I value anyone but her.But who doesn’t love their mother?Get along with her inapproachable fatigue, very tired, do not know how to handle?@Can’t remember the normal distribution of Qiang good evening.Reading your question, I see a mother desperately trying to catch her child, and a child desperately trying to get away from her.But what about dad?You didn’t mention your dad.It reminds me of a book called “Missing Fathers, Anxious Mothers and Out-of-control Children”, a classic of structuralist family therapy that tells the story of an American family therapy.The cases in the book, though from the United States, also have implications for today’s Chinese families.From a family therapy point of view, it’s your family system, your family relationship.And the biggest problem should be marital problems.You may wonder what your problems with your mother have to do with the relationship.This is because the family is a system and its members influence each other.Husband and wife relationship, for example, one of the most common is that the father may to channel your energy into work, work actually became a father’s defense mechanisms, he used the defense mechanism to cover up the relationship between the contradictions, but also for the Chinese men, to work is grandiose, because want to support the family, because men outside, and so on.So the father naturally in the family stealth, disappeared.In a relationship, when the father disappears and the mother is left alone, the mother will be anxious, but she can’t say anything about the father putting in his work. In order to alleviate the anxiety, another family member, usually a child, will come into the relationship to balance the relationship, which constitutes triangulation.At this time, the mother will usually put a lot of energy on the child, give the child meticulous care, if the child is a boy, to some extent, will play the mother’s psychological husband, such a mother-child relationship is the easiest to raise a mother’s baby boy.That’s another topic.If children are only involved temporarily, or couples can resolve problems quickly, the triangulation will not last.But more often than not, problems between couples are hard to resolve, and the triangulation between wife and child becomes solidified triangulation, even a state of symbiosis.You said you followed your mother around when you were a kid, even though she was impatient.I guess part of that impatience is impatience with your father.Of course, none of you realize it.In such family relations, the degree of self-differentiation of family members is relatively poor, and the boundary between members is vague.If both parties are comfortable with this pattern, that’s fine. Like many mommies, he’s probably fine with it.But if one person wakes up, or doesn’t want to continue this symbiosis, it will cause the other person to stop and try to pull the other person back to the original state.Judging by your question, you grew up and wanted to have your own life, but mom didn’t seem ready for separation.She still wants you to play the role of her psychological husband.You are trying to establish boundaries, and she is trying desperately to maintain symbiosis.The result is that you’re both tired.How to solve this problem? To be honest, it’s hard.I’m also a little worried that if your mother really followed the boundaries you wanted, would you not be used to it?So let’s see, what can you try to do?First, understand your patterns with your mother.You didn’t mention your dad, and the above analysis is more of a common case analysis.But just by looking at the pattern of interaction between you and your mother, it’s clear that your mother needs your emotional support.She is doing well in her career, but she may have nowhere to release her emotions, so she has to find someone to take over. You are the most convenient and close person, and you have fulfilled her emotional needs.Maybe you enjoyed it as a kid, or you craved deeper connections, but now that you’re older, you want to move away from a too-tight relationship.It’s not your fault, and it’s not mom’s fault, that both of you are unhappy.Let’s just say you want to change, and mom doesn’t seem to want to change.Second, you can have an honest conversation with mom.Talk about your feelings, talk about your needs, tell her that you have grown up and need to have your own life.But it’s not that you don’t value her, it’s that you’re in a new phase of life, and you need to develop your abilities, your circle of friends, and so on, for you and for the rest of your life.Of course, you have to be prepared for her not to accept, and even for her to continue to attack you psychologically.But you should at least let her know how you feel.And prepare the mother, whether she likes it or not, for the child to grow up and leave the nest.Life is like this, there are a lot of involuntarily, there are a lot of have to accept.Third, find a place to release your mother’s emotions.If you don’t know what your mother’s social circle is, suggest that she pursue her own interests outside of work.Actually, the best thing you can do is go to family therapy.Let the father pull back into the family, let the relationship between husband and wife, the parent-child relationship, go back to work.I am often Buddha and bereavement, occasionally positive psychological consultant, the world and I love you.Author: Qiang, who can’t remember the normal distribution, is a stay-at-home mother who loves reading and learning, a buddhist and bereaved person often, and an occasional positive psychological consultant. The world and I love you.Some pictures come from the Internet, copyright belongs to the original author, if there is any copyright problem, please contact me timely.Original works shall not be reproduced without authorization.